Organized Chaos

Well, I’m officially Cambodian now. Yesterday I drove a moto around town for the first time. For those of you who live in or have visited Siem Reap, you know what a feat this is. Traffic here is an entirely different animal. There aren’t many solid rules here, so things are rather fluid. What does this look like,  you ask? Four way intersections where all sides are going at the same time…people driving along the left shoulder of the road (into opposing traffic) until there’s an opening to cross over to the right side of the road…I could go on and on, but some of you would never sleep for fear of my safety again. The point is, I have successfully managed to maneuver in traffic without incident so far. And I have no doubt that, by the end of my time here, I will be exponentially better at reading people and being alert in chaotic situations. Good qualities for a teacher, to be sure.

 

School is going really well. I’m finally starting to feel like I remember how to be a teacher. My students are lovely and we have a good time learning together. This next week is camp week, which consists of days full of fun activities. I’m looking forward to some time just to bond with the kids. Perhaps I’ll post pictures next weekend.

 

My friend/housemate Amy and I are praying about a trip to Sri Lanka in April. We have a holiday from school and PCL (the organization I partner with here in Cambodia) is having its first youth camp in Sri Lanka those same weeks. It’s looking like the total cost of the trip will be around $700. While I can save some of that cost, it’s not possible to save the entire amount between now and April. If you’re interested in possibly helping with this cost, feel free to email me. During the trip we will be discipling Sri Lankan youth and visiting PCL’s orphanage in the country. Most of you know me well, so you know how dear these things are to my heart.

 

Last night I had my first English lesson with a little Cambodian boy down the street. His family runs a copy shop and I had been in there a few times to copy things for school. A few weeks ago I was talking with the father and, when he found out I was a teacher, he asked me if I would help his son study English. Not wanting to overload myself, I told him I would have to wait and see to make sure I was not too busy at school. But as I prayed about it over the next week, I knew it was the right thing to do. Sunday I went back to tell the father and son that I would teach him on for an hour a week. They were so happy about it and after we discussed time and day, the father asked how much I would charge. I thought he was going to fall out of his chair when I said that I didn’t want any money. He looked at me dumb-foundedly and said “You don’t want any money?” After our conversation, I went to the back of his shop to look at some picture frames. I picked out seven and went to the front to pay. When I got there, the father had the frames neatly tied up for me and when I asked how much, he insisted that he would give them to me. The total cost of all I had picked out was about $15- a pretty large purchase according to Cambodian costs. But he was adamant that I would not pay for them. I think I was as moved by his generosity as he was by mine. Anyway, back to the point. Last night was my first lesson with Piseth, who is 9 years old. His conversational English is great and we had such a great time learning about nouns and verbs. I think our lessons will be the highlight of my week.

 

Amidst all of these practical happenings, I am being challenged more deeply than I ever thought possible. In my American life, it seems like there is always a safety net. When I am having a bad day, I crash in front of the TV or go to the movies with my friends. When I am sick, I go to the doctor or choose from a plethora of medicines at my immediate disposal. When I feel lonely, I call a friend or go home to my family. In Cambodia I have lovely friends to spend time with, a small arsenal of medicine, and a television with plenty of movies. But when my life was new here- when I had no friends and no transportation and no tv, all I had to rely on was Christ. And even as these new blessings have been added on, I am constantly reminded that He is really the One I depend on. So when I have a bad day I close my door and cry out to my Father, when I am sick I cry out to my Father, and when I am lonely I cry out to my Father. Seeing a pattern here? I surely am. As difficult as having your life ripped out from under you can be, it’s worth every panic-filled, uncomfortable moment to find yourself once again in a place of total, complete, wholehearted dependence on God. Truth be told, He is the first one we should always run to…not our last resort.

 

I realize this has been random and not well organized, but that’s life in Cambodia for ya. Haha. I am going to try REALLY hard to post a good number of photos this weekend for you all to see. I pray that you are all well and that God is manifesting Himself to you in new ways every day. He really is lovely.

Loaded Moments

Sorry for the long stints between posts, folks. Life rolls on pretty quickly these days. Although I’ve been working in Cambodia for about a month now, I’m finally starting to live here. Now that the shocks and requirements of moving to a new country and taking on a class of three grades have subsided somewhat, I’m finally starting to move out of survival mode and actually enjoy everyday life in Cambodia.

Since it’s impossible to recap everything that’s happened since my last post, I’ll just share with you the most striking moment of my day today. I was walking our dog (I suppose he’s collectively ‘ours’ now, although technically he belongs to Amy.) out around town today. There’s a beautiful park down the road that rests in between a really nice hotel and the main temple/Buddha of Siem Reap. I was standing there by the fountain when a little boy approached me- maybe about 5 years old- and was begging me for one dollar. Although I would gladly give anything to any child who needed it, the reality is that very rarely does the money go to benefit the child. Most of the time the fund children raise go to a “pimp” if you will, who uses the kids to make money for himself. With this in mind, my heart sad, I told him “No, I’m sorry.” Then he saw Constantine…he reached out to pet him. At first Constantine was kind of jumpy, but in a second he calmed down and let the boy pet him. I will never forget the joy that glowed on the boys face as he looked up at me as if to say “Wow! He let me pet him!!!” Then as quickly as it came it was gone. With a nervous glance over his shoulder, the boy began to beg again. I told him again that I was sorry and said goodbye. As we parted I made two new resolutions. #1: Always carry candy or some kind of snack in my bag. #2: In every situation like that, I want to do anything I can to bring a begging child joy, even if it is as brief as a radiant grin because he got to pet my dog. Because I know that underneath the simplicity of that moment, the love of Christ shines bright.

I think we make it too difficult to share Christ with the world. We’re all uptight about witnessing to people because we fear rejection or argument. But I truly believe that if we love the world in action…if we go among our fellow man caring as Jesus cared…that people will be drawn to Him. When we stop and see people…really see people,  take time to enter into their lives and let them into ours for even a moment…we  both get a glimpse of Jesus.

 

On Being a Sheep in Cambodia

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.”

-John 10:27

I’ve probably skipped over this verse thousands of times in my life, but since I ran across it a few days ago it has taken on completely new significance. A rather simple verse, it has held me up with three crucial promises.

The first is that, if I am my Father’s sheep, I will hear His voice. Although there are times in life when I feel like I can’t hear Him, that He isn’t speaking, this verse has reminded me that when He speaks I will hear. There will be no confusion, no straining. He will speak and I will hear. Words can’t describe how comforting that is when floundering in the sea of a completely new life in a completely new country. There is absolutely NO way I could do this…no way I could stand to leave everything I love so dearly…if I did not know in the deepest core of my being that it was His voice that led me here. And each day He reminds me in the most beautiful ways that this was His idea and that it is His delight for me right now.

The second is that He knows me. I have never been more blatantly and beautifully aware of this truth than I have since I moved to Cambodia. In so many small and personal ways, my Shepherd has given me exactly what I needed or sent some small token of His love to remind me that He is still with me. When I arrived in Cambodia, I had no idea where I would live after the first three weeks. I thought of staying in a little guest house down the street, but I was very unsettled, unsure, and nervous about not having a home. My very first day here I met Amy Davidson, an intern with PCL, who mentioned that she had two free rooms in her home. A few days later we set up a time for me to see the house. The morning of the planned visit, mom and I woke up extremely burdened by the weight of this move. I was in tears all morning and desperately missing everything I had left behind, wondering how I would have the grace to stay here. Heavy hearted and on the verge of sobs, Mom and I traveled by tuk tuk to the house. Now, for those of you who have seen the pictures on Facebook you know, the house is GORGEOUS. But the most special thing about it was this: for years I have always dreamed of having a house with a dog and a hammock. For some reason those two things just planted themselves in my heart as a small dream. And wouldn’t you guess…we walked up to the roof of the house there was a hammock hanging up and a sweet little dog named Constantine. All Mom and I could do was look at each other and laugh; a tear-filled laugh, I think, but also one of relief and amazement. It was such a powerful reminder that my Father knows me so well and, not only that, but He delights in sending small tokens of His love when I need it the most.

The third promise is one I have long considered a sort of command: “and they follow me.” But since I have arrived here, I have been so comforted by it. Before I viewed this part of the verse as a responsibility- that, if we are His sheep, we will follow Him because that is what we are supposed to do. Painful is the realization that I, in myself, CANNOT follow Him. I am not strong enough, not wise enough, not able enough, and not willing enough. I follow Him because He gives me the strength and grace to, because He empowers me to. Now, for me, this phrase reminds me that I will follow the Lord because He will help me to. All I must do is rely on Him.

I’ve always heard that sheep are dumb animals- stubborn, slow to learn, all in all just not very bright. I suppose I’ve come to be humbled by this reference, then. Not because I am dumb, but because I have come to grips with my inability to see what God is doing. I don’t know the way, I’m clumsy even as I travel it, and I’m definitely not wise enough to maneuver through it on my own. But I have a faithful Shepherd who knows my frame and my heart, knows the journey ahead, and walks alongside me as I travel it. What a blessing.

 

On a more practical note:

My first week of teaching is over! Everything went smoothly and I am getting to know my students quickly. They are precious. I have 13 altogether and each one is very different. It will take me awhile to figure out how to teach such diverse students in three different grades, but it will come in time.

A few more Americans will arrive in Siem Reap next week, including my good friend Abby. I suppose sometime next weekend I will move into my new house. For the last week I’ve been living at a missionary friend’s house to stay with her kids while she is out of the country. We’ve had an awesome time and I’m so glad to have the chance to spend some time with them. I’m blessed to already have great friends here in all sorts of places- the Common Grounds Staff, young fellow missionaries, and the staff at Hope. God has really blessed and surrounded me with an incredible community of people. Every morning I get to school early and spend some time talking with the groundskeeper of the school.

I’m finding my way around the city pretty well, although I still have a lot to learn. In this next week or so I am getting an introductory lesson on how to ride a moto, so that should be interesting. Traffic is a completely different animal here in Cambodia. Video to come, perhaps. Maybe I’ll start out on a bicycle….

Thanks to all of you who have been praying for me and checking in. Saturdays (Friday nights for those of you in America) will probably be my blog updating day now that I’m in a sort of routine. We shall see.

For now, I’m just taking one day at a time and being blessed by each one. Being a sheep in Cambodia isn’t so bad…:)

Roller-coasters and Scavenger Hunts

Well, my mom and I have been in Siem Reap for about five days now and it’s been an interesting few days, to say the least. Sorry I haven’t updated before now, but we’ve stayed pretty busy.

To say that this week has been an emotional roller-coaster would be the understatement of the century. At times it feels like living here is the only rational thing to do and other times I almost hyperventilate under the shock of what I have just committed to. But the beautiful thing about it is that, underneath all of my emotional chaos, there is an anchor in the knowledge that my Shepherd has led me here.

On Monday I will begin my first teaching job at Hope International School here in Siem Reap. The school building is actually a large house that is almost completely hidden from the road. As it was described to me, you will drive down Road 6, pass two abandoned hotels, and then take the dirt road right after the second one. “Dirt road” turned out to be a little generous considering that its more like a three foot wide dirt alleyway. But its charming, nevertheless, and the gate at the end of the path opens to a rather lovely little school where I will spend my days teaching twelve students in grades 3, 4, and 5.

Throughout all our adjustments here, a particular verse has echoed in my mind. It has never carried particularly special meaning for me before, but I have come to rely on it over the last few days of feeling rather lost and far from home.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High 
   will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.” 

-Psalm 91:1

Although I’m sure there are many more poignant and powerful verses on this subject, this one has stuck with me. In those moments when I am tempted to be overwhelmed with emotion, these words remind me that no matter where I am in the world I can always find my home  in the Lord. Although almost everything in my life has just been drastically changed, He remains the same. He is not shaken, confused, stressed, or caught off guard. He holds me in Cambodia just like He holds me at home and anywhere else I may go. And even more so, I love knowing that He came before me into this new life and prepared it for me. It’s almost like a scavenger hunt that He’s leading me on- giving me one clue at a time. I have no idea what is ahead and, although it is scary and uncertain at times, I can sense His delight in the search that we are on together.

So for the next few months, step by step and clue by clue, this treasure hunt will unfold before us. What an adventure…

And so we begin…

“If everything is Yours I’m letting it go. It was never mine to hold.” -Audrey Assad

Hello friends! As I write this premiere entry I am staring across my living room at the monstrosity that is the pile of all my earthly belongings. After moving out of my apartment in Cleveland and unloading my car, I crammed the entirety of my life’s accouterments into my parents’ den. It really is a quite impressive load. Many things are sentimental, lots of things are useful, and most are reasonable… but the sheer amount of STUFF I have accumulated in my twenty-three years on this planet astounds me.

As I prepare to move across the world into a very different lifestyle, I can’t help but be grateful for the chance to downsize. I find it hard to justify that at twenty-three I have managed to acquire more stuff than many five person families in other parts of the world. There’s nothing inherently wrong about my stuff. But it’s all simply that: stuff….and lately I’m more and more resolute in my desire for something simpler.

I suppose it all stems from this Scripture that seems to have weaseled its way into my brain these days. Just this tiny phrase from Luke 12:48 has attached itself to my heart and won’t let go: “of whom much is given, much shall be required.” Between this verse and the song quoted above, my perspective on the life of faith has been dramatically changed. As I look around at this life I have lived for so many years, I am left speechless by the ways in which God has blessed me. I have an incredible family, amazing and godly friends, great job opportunities, and two wonderful church families just to name a few. But more and more the conviction has grown that these blessings are not mine to keep. As I felt the call to move to Cambodia, I wrestled greatly with God about leaving all these treasures behind. After all, hadn’t He given them to me to keep, enjoy, and serve with? But strangely enough His answer has been “no.” At least not for now. For this season He has asked me to forego all these beautiful gifts and follow Him to a new place, both physically and metaphorically.

In the midst of all of this, I seem to have become yoke-fellows with Abraham. You see, I can’t imagine that it made sense to Abraham when God told him to journey up the mountain to make a sacrifice with only his son and some wood. Surely everything inside him was screaming out in protest as he laid his beloved son on an altar to kill him. After all, Isaac was a long-awaited, GOD-PROMISED gift, wasn’t he? Why would a merciful and loving God ask him to give that up? And yet Abraham trusted God enough…loved God enough to obey. He was willing to sacrifice his most cherished treasure simply because his Lord had asked. Now, we know how the story turns out. But the fact remains that Abraham’s level of faith is what we are called to. At the beginning of this process I couldn’t understand why the Lord would surround me with such a loving community and open incredible job opportunities if He only meant for me to walk away from them. The thought of leaving my family is more than I can bear. But when it comes down to it, I must love my God more than I love the beautiful treasures He has given me.

It is in light of this that I pack my bags and leave this familiar life behind. And although leaving many beloved things behind is difficult, I know that new blessings await- ones vibrant with grace and hope. I’ve often heard it said that Christians should be vessels that God pours His blessings into and that, when He fills us to overflowing, His love spills out onto the world. I am bothered by this metaphor, mainly because it implies that the majority of blessings stays within the vessel. Also unspoken in this analogy is the message that the vessel has to be completely filled up and satisfied before any of the goodness flows to the outside. For me, it carries a connotation of greed. So it has become my prayer that, through this journey, God would make me a strainer rather than a vessel. As the cleansing water of His grace flows, may it only pass over me on its way to our hurting and broken world. May I hold nothing  back for myself, but only rejoice in the passing on of His love to others.